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@amber_hawken

These are a few of my favourite things.

These are a few of my favourite things.

I was thinking yesterday about how many times I’

I was thinking yesterday about how many times I’ve thought about myself so much I ended up in a pit of self loathing.

What a fucking wild concept. Actually it’s not a concept if I did it, is it? I mean the idea that when I wasn’t thinking I wasn’t disliking but when I was looking at myself from a birds eye view and imagined myself compared to everybody else, I felt not only small and insignificant (which in the scheme of things is true isn’t it?), I felt crushed by the weight of expectation.

Sometimes I used to get on such a roll I’d have this giant snowball of self loathing mixed with resentment mixed with wanting to hide.

I’d twist my stomach into knots and I’d even start attacking those that I’d imagined might judge me. Yes, I had imaginary wars with the imaginary haters. Making up stories about how they’re this and that in an attempt to buffer the dread in my belly.

This incessant self inspection was like an addiction. A train wreck I regretted happening but couldn’t turn away from.

I’d then imagine solutions about fixing my newly discovered problems and that would ease the loathing substantially.

Meanwhile, while I’d been sitting on my couch probably after scrolling Instagram or burying my head deep in someone’s account that touched the burny ouch bits, you know, to drive the knife in a little deeper — I had a life I adored.

I used to do this so unconsciously without a sense of the war within and the one witnessing and the one writing about the witnessing.

I was the director, the actor and the scene all at once. The kicker is, it felt as real as the first sunburn of the summer on my Irish ass cheeks.

Sometimes I’d realise what was happening and shake the bad movie I just played out. But too many times I actually charged like a bull in a China shop through the veil I’d created and started making plans to fix the feelings I’d stirred alive.

This only ever happens when I let my life force get low. EVER. That’s it. My forever lesson — don’t play with your thoughts (feel your feelings, amber).

It’s a wild cynical, disturbed and compassionate world inside of me sometimes. No teaching here, just a sneak peak under the human hood.

There’s a cunning trap in personal development*

There’s a cunning trap in personal development* and spiritual growth* and it sounds like this.

I know that, now I need this.
I learned this, so what’s next?

The basics aren’t shiny, they bore the gluttonous mind.

But if I’ve learned anything in my long list of education due to overcompensating for goodness knows that, it’s the tiny little things that have the biggest impact and long term, sustainable benefits.

What’s your favourite simple practice? Mine is slowing down.
Yep, that’s it, folks.

My breath, talking pace, chewing, breathing, answering emails, how I roll out of bed, how I park the car, responding to people’s questions — everything. The time trap seems to melt when I do this and suddenly I have zero urgency and stress on the nervous system and my lens becomes one of overflow and space. It’s a fucking game changer and takes all of a few disciplined minutes.

Trauma rushes, love strolls. I was having a stin

Trauma rushes,
love strolls.

I was having a stint offline when a year clocked over of this time last year. Six years of friendship, backed by a roomie bond that ignited and blew both our minds. Im not sure which of us was taken more by surprise.

I read a friends post today that reminded me of us — God laughs when you make plans.

You were better than expected and worth the slow paced and perfectly timed arrival of this @powerhousembc

Encore, universe, encore.

For an expansion on the first lines of this post, let me just say, the *opportunities* that arrive in our life that have the same feeling you get when sugar touches your lips, it’s not because it’s a delicious treat from the universe, it’s probably a test of integrity.

This might be in your relationships, your emotional conditioning or quite literally, your well-being.

When we decide what we are devoted to, it becomes a matter of flexing will power and choosing to pause for a moment to notice what’s in front of us.

“Is it good for me or does it just *feel* good?”

From my experience, this little test stands true for the immediate rush that arises as a strong need to reply to those we feel have hurt/misunderstood/dismissed/rejected us or respond to the contraction in our belly, pang in our heart or craving in the emptiness of disconnection. Or the eagerness and dominating demand to have our needs met in certain ways.

Here is my suggestion in those moments.

Pause and see if you can find space where you can press your presence into this moment and into this life as an immovable force while remaining open in your front belly.

Can you stay there and let whatever ache or discomfort move through your being without pushing, running or grasping for it to end? Can you stop trying to negotiate with life and trust yourself to feel what’s there?

Trauma rushes,
love strolls.

Let yourself feel deeply enough into whatever human thing is pushing it’s way up, and you’ll realise, the heart has room for it all.

A little reminder for moments where you forget to

A little reminder for moments where you forget to check the toilet paper roll status before you begin.

“Us men have a thing for struggling in silence.

“Us men have a thing for struggling in silence. Show no fear and never truly open up to the world about our emotions.

"I can handle it", "I got this, no sweat", "Nah, I'm good, don't worry" seem to be the default mentality of the masculine.

Maybe because in the course of history we've been led to believe that silence before adversity symbolises strength and toughness.

So we keep it to ourselves. We "handle" it.

And this slowly, but steadily, chips away at our resilience and mental fortitude, diminishing our capacity to cope with (and overcome) life's difficulties.

Making us blind to what is ingrained in the deepest layers of our Selves, commanding attention.

How many times have I supressed a word for help before I could even utter it? Too many to count.

Instead, I made reference to how good the surf was. "3 to 5, absolutely cooking"

Though I know all too well what this does to my wellbeing.

Nothing. Absolutely zero.

If anything, it just leaves this big void inside.

And that's when the waves were good. Imagine if they'd been shit.

Then what?

So to not get completely sucked into the vacuum, I resort to escapism.

So much for being present. Carpe fucking diem.

Anything but looking inwards.

Anything but opening up.

I frown upon fragility and the simple thought of putting myself in a vulnerable place before the eyes of the crowd.

"Harden the fuck up, Frankie boy. Get ya shit together"

And so the vicious cycle begins again.

More pain, more silence. Less resolution.

But how long can I keep hauling a heavy heart for?

Surely there are others out there who are asking themselves the same questions.

Surely I have brothers out there which I haven't even met.

All the Johns, Marks and Jacks trying to harden up and get their shit together in the obscurity of their minds.

If only they told me, I think I could help.

And in helping them, I wonder, how much would I help myself?

A lot, I can't help but conclude.

Come to think about it, if I've learnt anything in the course of a few decades, it is this:

The shared experience is the one that counts the most.

And the same is true of emotions.”

Part two in the first comment below 👇🏼

I’m in the thick of demolition. There is so muc

I’m in the thick of demolition.
There is so much aliveness here.
Don’t get me wrong,
it’s exceptionally
uncomfortable and
I’d prefer a toke
and a binge on
Rick and Morty
but alas, I know better.
I devoted myself
to this thing felt as Joy
many moons ago.
Whatever 32 x 12 is, to be precise.
So destruction — it’s so rich,
humbling and potent.
It was triggered
I thought a thought
I’ve thought many times
but I asked myself in a
way that I couldn’t escape
the misalignment
I’d been hoping
would sort itself out.
Apparently there’s this
thing called extreme ownership
and apparently we have to
choose to take it
ourselves.
Anyways,
I pondered the gold nugget
I’ve posed to others
so many times
and when I sat in
the silence of
my own mess I’d
created, I cried.
In fact, if you
imagine a toddler
throwing her toys
from the cot
then screaming for them
back, you’d
have a solid imagine
of my energy these
last days.
The thought
I thought
was this.

“If life handed you everything I ever wanted right now, if it placed it in your hot little hand — how would you respond?”.

Would it be as easy
as, “thank you”?.
Or would you feel
the urge to justify it?
Give it up?
Fight to receive?
Need to pay it forward?

There’s many
lessons in this
question and I’d
hazard a guess a
unique one for each
individual.
For me, I realised
I’d gotten distracted
and forgotten the
very perfect little
space in myself
that feels like
sunflowers,
butter beer and
a warm cackling fire.
Some gurus call
it heaven on earth.
I have it all, so
what am I so worried
about?

So I’m back to the
drawing board.
Perhaps a little
prematurely.
That’s predictably
me — preparing
for my preparation
of a plan for what’s next.
There was tea,
gentle breathing,
butchers paper,
chocolate, pauses
and ended with
surrender to
the time between
now and when
I *know*
what’s next.

It reminds me of a forest.
wherever you look,
you will find death
as well as life.
But zoom in and you will
find that the decomposing
tree trunk and rotting leaves
not only give birth to new life,
but are full of life themselves.
Microorganisms are at work.
Continued 👇🏼

This chair is my spirit animal. 33 questions *be

This chair is my spirit animal.

33 questions *better* than therapy (see blog for context of “better”).

Take what lands and leave ther rest.
Let us begin with the basics first.
1. Are you hydrated? Drink (add lemon water for optimum uptake).
2. Do you need to poop? Do you need to drink some water, sit in childs pose and then poop? Go poop.
3. Do you need a snack? Go eat. Preferably something that is directly from the earth.
4. Do you need to take a few gentle, slow, light and even (5.5 seconds in and 5.5 seconds out) breaths into the belly? Do this as often as possible in your waking hours.
5. Are you habitually running on empty or close to it? SLEEP MORE and trust in receiving. If you don’t let the feminine charge up, she will force you to rest (burnout).
6. Cycle: Ladies, where are you in your cycle? Any chance it’s 3-5 days before your bleed? Take it easy, winter is an inward season for a reason — support yourself accordingly.
Okay now a little deeper but still basic.
1. Have you taken the time to sit with and allow yourself to deeply feel what you’re feeling? Do that.
2. Are you making your emotions wrong? Stop it.
3. Are you making you wrong? Stop it.
4. Are you making others wrong and you right? Stop it.
5. Are you taking ownership of your life? Take ownership and see #3.
6. Are you taking responsibility for someone else’s actions or feelings? Stop it, it’s called caretaking/enabling and it doesn’t help them.
7. Are you entertaining every thought that goes through your head? Don’t. 90% is useless repetition. Either focus on your breath or turn your attention towards where you want to go.
8. Are you creating chaos by picking at your wounds? You don’t pull your faeces apart, do you? Stop it.
9. Are you bypassing with *spiritual* practices? Be honest. See Spiritual Bypassing by Robert Augustus Masters if you aren’t sure.
10. Are you scrambling to *heal* and missing the point? It’s unfolding — let it take its course.
Contd on the blog amberhawken.com/resources

What’s your fav? Tell me👇🏼

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