After Mum died, I become very ruthless with my life. It was pretty much an organic shift, which I am sure anyone who has faced such things experiences, where a lot of stuff that was important before, became almost meaningless. Slowly, I began chipping away at habits that supported any kind of facade that was not 100% me. Mostly things I very much considered normal and wouldn’t have previously questioned.
But when your heart is as raw and fragile, you learn very quickly how to reserve your energy and find joy in whatever you have in front of you.
In a nutshell, anything that wasn’t filling up my soul got the chop. I stopped wearing makeup every day. I stopped tanning or dyeing my hair. I stopped making an effort with anyone that didn’t feel like genuine balls of sunshine. I stopped living on FB and started to meditate – every single fucking day. I let go of strict rules and structure around work. I stopped filtering my photos and I stopped eating a 100% perfect diet.
I introduced a lot more yin to my yang exercise regime. I added in massages. I spent tons of time alone. I’m talking, 90% of 6 months of Friday and Saturday nights, solo. I mustered every ounce of courage and I learnt to sit with the most gut-wrenching waves of emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life. I realised quickly that discovering a very magical space inside of you isn’t just a cute Pinterest quotes. It’s something of great depth and breadth that requires you to walk (or great your ass) through the fires of hell first. Not above. Not around – through. I didn’t do this because I had goals to become a monk. I did it because I had no other choice. I knew from my work if I was going to get through this, it would be by going in.
So a few things happened. I no longer looked 21 years old. I looked, well, my age. You could see the expressions of my smile etched near my eyes. Instead of a six-pack, I had a feminine stomach and waistline. Instead of catching up with 10 people a week, I would catch up with maybe 1 or 2 a month and walk away rejuvenated instead of on a short-term high or drained. I started attracting guys who had more depth and less ego (mirrors). My business grew. My sleep increased. My creativity went through the roof. I packed everything I owned into a 2x2m shed and left the country for four months and explored the world solo.
Loads of stuff happens very naturally.
I realised, you just do you and it kind of all unfolds. The hardest bit is allowing it to do so. To my hold onto what the mind needs in order to feel safe. Was this easy? No. Did I feel like I was being forgotten? Yes.
But of course, I wasn’t. I was being seen in all the right ways, even if that meant not at all.
You strip back a lot. You have to be willing to do this. You have to be willing to be exceptionally responsible and understand – it’s up to you. YOU!
And that it’s not about being better than anyone else, not even in the slightest.
You’ve just begun to not just think about what matters to you – but actually, live it.
So, anyway. One day I woke up and realised – holy shit – this is it. This is the feeling.
I fucking love my life. I’m not wanting. Not running. I don’t want approval, attention or validation. I don’t even consider judgment. I exist in a space of freedom. I see my mind for it’s pervasive and distractive nature without getting caught up in it. I find meditation more like home than thinking. I hear the mountains, the ocean, the weather and the wind talking to me. I see people’s depth and vulnerabilities before I see their looks. I value peace, love and joy – above all else.
I say not 100 times more than I say yes. To catch ups. To clients. To potential partners. To ideas that catch my attention. To trips. To overworking. To fear. To alcohol. To Kate nights. To anything that isn’t 10000% going to give back to me.
I am still ruthlessly culling my life almost daily. And I am by no means some kind of perfect example. I still get caught up in fears and insecurities and dive back into thinking that I should conform back to perfect, unflawed and bending over backwards to be loved and adored by many…but a lot of the time, I’m hanging out in bliss land.
Sometimes it can get lonely here when your mind creeps in and questions why you no longer wake up to 20 messages. Or why you’re not so busy. And then I remember, nothing in life is worth anything, unless you feel like sunshine while doing it. Nothing of importance ever happened without first being preceded by inner stillness.
If it drains you. Get rid of it.
If you aren’t meditating, you’re fucking crazy. If you cannot manage. your mind then you cannot observe the fears that tell you that you are not good enough, not doing enough, not making enough, not worthy, lovable or attractive. And if you cannot manage those thoughts, they run on autopilot and you think they’re you. Then you cannot manage your emotions. And if you cannot manage your emotions, they will run your behaviours. You will forever be burying your soul under emptiness. Flash clothes, shallow sex, dead end jobs that pay the bills, way too much food, alcohol justified by your hard work that is actually overcompensation for your deepening worthlessness driven by the fact that – your mind is running your life and telling you that you aren’t worthy….it all begins with you letting go of the addictive grip of a shallow life and driving that depth, love, fulfillment is your priority and therefore begin to slow down in order to speed up the shift to where it is you’ve always been searching outside of yourself for. To see, it’s been there – you are it – deep down inside.
To get there. You’ve gotta let go.
You have to be willing to let go of everything you thought happiness was and who you are right now.
All of it.
In summary. Prioritise joy.
Ruthlessly cull your life.