I used to despise when things didn’t go my way.
Chaos outside of me created chaos within.
I was dependant on keeping my shit together by having my ducks lined up in a row.
And by ducks, I mean socially conformed ideas of success.
If I wasn’t meeting these self imposed standards, which were both boosting my dumb-ass ego and suffocating my fulfilment, I felt it represented that I must not be in control and therefore I hated it. I was, in my eyes, “a failure“.
Now, I love chaos. I realised that the alternative is a very beige, flat-lined life.
Perfect. Controlled. Everything pulled tight.
The closest to death that we can get with our hearts still beating.
Restricting growth, preventing risk. Drowning in emptiness and yet, I still did it. We all do it. Why? Because we are idiots..
We forget what this life thing is all about.
Which is essentially a bunch of small layers of self-enquiry, wrapped in the exponential evolutionary power of experiences in diversity at every level. Food, culture, diets, clothing, hobbies, religion, gender, opinions, landscapes, colours. We must step into no man’s lands and off beaten tracks, to realise we were stupid and vain and ignorant and that is in fact, a boldly perfect imperfection in itself. To realise that what we were chasing was back where we began. It was within. Just covered up by a lot of expectations, stories, fears, conditioning and substandard ideas about what is beautiful and great.
Our self enquiry answers the core questions and leads us to discover how, or if, we even feel safe in this world and how to build foundations. If we enjoy, allow and are comfortable with emotions, pleasure, joy and creativity. Who we are, where we came from, where we are going and why we are here. What love is from deep within and how to be kind, curious and compassionate with ourselves and all beings, giving and receiving love without conditions. To speak what is true to us with an unbiased filter. To find clarity in this world, an equal knowingness, awareness and sight of ourselves as we are and as the world is, not as our mind sees it. And finally, to discover a vast, infinite connection with something bigger than who we think we are.
So I love it, and still in many ways, cannot stand it.
Chaos holds the fertility of new life; Of fresh and pure beginnings. A chaotic moment isn’t a chaotic moment if you can appreciate the necessity of it to push you to your edge. Or even better, push you over it. Don’t live behind the edge. It’s beige and boring; A recipe for addiction with no sense of control over your impulses to seek validation. But in saying that, don’t live ON the edge either; It’s the place where anxiety has the best chance at running your life as you are always one foot in the past and one foot in the future – never sure of who you are or what you’re doing.
Instead, live in a way in which you’re always being pushed out and over your edge and into chaos. It’s uncomfortable, it’s terrifying, it’s vulnerable and can be painful as we have to shed a layer of protection that creates stability behind our edge and cultivates a sense of emptiness. But it’s also the precedent for growth and proceeded by peace and balance. Growth leads to purpose, depth and diversity.
We are designed to seek progress. We thrive on it. Our bodies chemically reward us with progress while at the same time punish us in the unknown. We get mixed signals. “Survive.” “No, grow!!!” The thing is, you don’t need to survive. You’re safe in your tribe. You no longer need to rely on acceptance in order to live.
You survived through caveman times and thus you can let go of the attachment to social approval. It doesn’t fucking serve you. “Stay safe” is an outdated feedback loop that we experience as fear and resistance. Listening to this ancient message keeps you stagnant, unfulfilled.
An empty existence surviving on the instructions of a Neanderthal. The message “GROW, DIVE, EXPLORE” is vastly more important for not just the survival of your emotional and mental wellbeing, but the evolution of our world on a spiritual level. Yeh. Deep. And right, it’s real. Let that sink in.
Climb that mountain. Kiss the boy and/or girl!! Book the damn trip. Launch that creative idea. Drop expectations. Stop being a control addict and pretending that perfection is actually beautiful.
That sh*t is beige.
And if you ask me, I believe a life with every colour of the rainbow is far more magnificent and worth every ounce of chaos.